Wernham Hogg Paper Company

Ten years ago the Wernham Hogg Paper Company hit the headlines as the (now worldwide phenomenon) Gervais and Merchant mocumentary sit-com was first broadcast by the BBC where we became a fly on the wall in The Office following David Brent and his staff in their day-to-day business of paper.

I have to admit that I only managed to watch a few minutes of the first episode and couldn't watch any more a few years to come - not because it wasn't any good, but because I had previously worked for someone who not only looked like Brent but was exactly like Brent in so many ways and a whole lot worse so it brought back bad memories!

The person I worked with previously was so much of a bad manager that most of the staff knew him as Captain Nob-Shite as he was a Nob that talked shite and although he was only a deputy, deputy manager he thought he knew what he was doing and was under the misapprehension that he was in charge (hence the Captain title). He was the sort of salesperson who knew nothing about anything but didn't stop him from selling anything as he'd just make stuff up - the amount of refunds from people who when they got home realised he was talking shite was unbelievable.

Finally I got in to the right frame of mind as was able to watch The Office and couldn't help but laugh at the cringeworthy moments and fully emphasise with the staff that worked there!

I've not seen the US version as it will probably end up being 21 episodes per season and 51 seasons long - they seem to drag everything out far too long. Just like the classic sit-com Fawlty Towers, The Office is 2 series long which left us wanting more - better to finish at the top than half-way down the other side.

FourSquare - Checking In!

I spotted that a friend at work was using FourSquare on his iPhone to Check-In on facebook so being the inquisitive type, I headed off to their website to see what it's all about...

In a nutshell it's away of letting your fellow FourSquare friends know where you are and what you've been up to - you can also link it to Twitter and Facebook so when you check-in to a location on FourSquare it will automatically post it on those sites as well.

You can achieve different 'Badges'  for visiting different places and you can even end up being the Mayor of a place if you've been their so often!  I guess one of the ideas behind the site is that if lots of people check-in at a business such as a retail outlet then they can arrange for special offers to be sent to those people if they check-in there at a certain time/day.

If you want to see what it's all about then click on the link/image below.

Office Pranks/Practical Jokes - Tin Foil

I've always wanted to do this and the opportunity arose this week to do it!  We began work during our lunch-breaks on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday with the 'grand finale' occurring this afternoon!

On closer inspection you can see we did an excellent job on the phone and as you can see not only did we wrap the contents of his desk, but the desk itself!

 

We didn't forget his drawers (which he forgot to lock) and everything from an individual business card and CD-ROM to his stapler and rolls of tape got wrapped in foil!

I can't wait to see his face on Monday when he returns to work after a week off - he was warned no less than 10 times to stop crossing the line when joking around and this is what happens when you use up all 10 strikes!  We have plenty of other things ready to do should he not get the message this time!

New Medical Computer System Now Available At Tesco

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.

"There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.

"Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid..... a lot
quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:  "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.  He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.  He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco, every little helps!

If People Brought Cars Like Computers...

Call No. 1

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

Call No. 2

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $$12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Call No. 3

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"

Call No. 4

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

Ask any support tech: they'll tell you these are not exaggerations!

iPhone V iStone

Tesco Car Park Scam Warning

A"heads up" for those men who may be regular Tesco customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into your car. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Mr Sheen, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen on June the 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also July the 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Tesco has wallets on sale £2.99 each...